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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24802207">i sing tonight i've fallen and i can’t get up</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/throwaway18/pseuds/throwaway18'>throwaway18</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>she keeps me warm [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Red Velvet (K-pop Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Parents, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Seohyun is Bae Seohyun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 00:55:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,518</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24802207</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/throwaway18/pseuds/throwaway18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>joohyun watches seungwan fuss over their daughter</p><p>(parenting-au)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bae Joohyun | Irene/Son Seungwan | Wendy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>she keeps me warm [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1790314</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>143</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. i sing tonight i've fallen and i can't get up</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this story is, of course, purely fictional and is for my creative outlet</p><p>please do not link this story to any of the girls as i respect their privacy, and again, i write my stories out of entertainment and nothing more</p><p> </p><p>with that said, please ship responsibly and be kind to one another &lt;3</p><p>(cross-posted on aff)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p>“Five more minutes…” Seungwan grumbles onto her pillow, wisps of blonde hair falling to screen her face. Her hand flies to hit the snooze button on her ringing phone, tapping on the screen blindly until the alarm dies and the dark room is once again filled with the hum of the air conditioning and Seungwan’s light snores.</p><p> </p><p>Joohyun giggles softly beside her, aching to kiss her on the nose to jolt her awake.</p><p> </p><p>“You said that on the first ring, Wan.” Joohyun admonishes half-heartedly. Admiring Seungwan’s sleeping face has to be her favorite pastime.</p><p> </p><p>It’s free.</p><p> </p><p>It’s therapeutic.</p><p> </p><p>It’s <em>Seungwan.</em></p><p> </p><p>Joohyun lifts a finger to her girlfriend’s jaw instead, lightly tracing the edges as if to memorize the contours. As if she hasn’t already. “And on the second, on the third, on the fourth…” Seungwan slightly winces at the touch.</p><p> </p><p>Cute.</p><p> </p><p>Joohyun removes her finger and grins. Her lips are tingling to press them against the slope of the blonde’s nose, but she battles the urge, remembering the late homecomings, the endless pinging of her beeper, and the stream of patients requiring Seungwan’s expertise.</p><p> </p><p>She’s a renowned doctor after all.</p><p> </p><p>An extra shut-eye won’t hurt.</p><p> </p><p>Seungwan can have five more minutes.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Mooommy!”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Or maybe not.</p><p> </p><p>Joohyun moves to swing her legs over the bed, but Seungwan is quick on her feet, like lightning making contact with the ground, dashing to the bawling toddler with a heightened sense of urgency. It’s amazing to witness someone develop the ability to run first thing in the morning.</p><p> </p><p>And Seungwan has never been one for sports.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, I’m up, I’m up!”</p><p> </p><p>If there’s anything that can push Seungwan out of the bed and do the impossible, it’s their daughter.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Mooommy…”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Joohyun lingers at the doorway of the four year-old’s bedroom, just as ready to scoop the whimpering child into her arms, watching Seungwan overtake the role with so much maternal instinct to appease the small brunette. She settles for leaning against the doorframe, heart so full at the sight of them.</p><p> </p><p>A picture-perfect image of her most treasured people in her life.</p><p> </p><p>“Shh, Mommy’s here, Seohyun.” Seungwan tenderly cradles their daughter, swaying in place and rubbing Seohyun’s back in an up and down motion, easing the staggered sobs into regular breaths.</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun struggles adorably to flutter her eyes open, little brows fused at the morning sunlight filtering through the blinds of her bedroom window. She snuggles against the junction between Seungwan’s neck and shoulders, plump cheeks squished like dumplings that Joohyun could no longer help herself.</p><p> </p><p>She pads behind Seungwan, wrapping her arms around the blonde in a back-hug and kissing a heavy-eyed Seohyun on the nose, mumbling into her daughter’s ear, “Mommy Joohyun is here too.” Seungwan hugs Seohyun closer. The little girl wrinkles her nose at another kiss.</p><p> </p><p>Joohyun smiles. When she walks out of the room, Seohyun smiles back.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The ferry ride to Jeju Island has Seohyun gurgling with glee at every ocean wave, at every passing bird and at <em>everything </em>in general. This is her first trip outside of Seoul. High from the sugary snacks she had devoured, the rambunctious ball of energy runs around the deck, looking over her shoulder cheekily, as Joohyun trails after her with Seungwan not too far from them.</p><p> </p><p>“Slow down, Seohyunnie!” Joohyun calls after the bouncing pigtails. The mirth shining in her daughter’s eyes gives her an indescribable amount of joy, vowing to protect the unbridled happiness no matter what.</p><p> </p><p>How can a tiny being affect her like this?</p><p> </p><p>“Watch where you’re headed, Hyun, or you might—” Seungwan’s reprimand is cut off, her legs launching into a sprint worthy of an athlete’s the moment their daughter crashes onto a stranger’s legs.</p><p> </p><p>Joohyun is tempted to say that Seungwan worries too much, that the slight bump wouldn’t inflict a scratch on their daughter, but the stranger catches Seohyun by her arms in preventing her fall, and seeing someone else hold her child kicks Joohyun’s own maternal instincts into overdrive.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, careful there, little one.” The woman steadies Seohyun to regain her balance, smiling down at her. Even though she appears to be harmless and is only helping out, Joohyun couldn’t placate herself.</p><p> </p><p>For any concerned parent, danger lurks everywhere.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you.” Seungwan bows at the stranger, while Joohyun crouches to inspect Seohyun’s knees just in case.</p><p> </p><p>“No worries. Is she yours?” The stranger asks Seungwan in particular.</p><p> </p><p>Joohyun stills in her position on the floor.</p><p> </p><p>The hesitation within Seungwan is palpable without having to see her expression. It would have been an easier question for Joohyun to answer, being responsible for bringing Seohyun out into this world that one fateful rainy afternoon.</p><p> </p><p>But she’s Seungwan’s, Joohyun wants to yell, Seohyun is <em>hers.</em> She’s a parent more than Seohyun’s biological father will ever be, the kind of partner far greater than anyone could have asked for. She’s the parental figure the little girl has looked up to and loved since her birth. The voice she would react to during Joohyun’s trimester. The voice she sleeps to every night.</p><p> </p><p>She’s hers in ways scientific evidence couldn’t explain.</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun’s arm shoots up, someway reading into the apprehension from Seungwan’s lack of response, slotting her hand into the blonde’s open palms. She curls her fingers around bigger ones, and Seungwan nips on her bottom lip, eyes glistening with the onset of tears. Seohyun is glancing up at her with a reassuring smile that puts the sun to shame, out of business.</p><p> </p><p>Joohyun has to will herself from crying right then and there.</p><p> </p><p>Feeling the renewed courage and confidence, Seungwan doesn’t let go of Seohyun. “Yes. She’s mine.”</p><p> </p><p>Joohyun stands up, looping an arm around Seungwan’s, and looks into the stranger’s eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“She’s ours.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Seohyun is knocked out cold in her carrier at the backseat of the rental car Seungwan has reserved online. She’s clutching her prized stuffed animal she lovingly calls “Manen” which the blonde bought as a present from her overnight work trip to Japan a year ago. Her attachment to the yellow and orange cartoon character makes Joohyun beam from the passenger seat.</p><p> </p><p>The drive to their destination is an hour and a half or two from the ferry terminal. Joohyun hasn’t seen the annual Hot Air Balloon Festival since her pregnancy, the trip delayed year after year after year despite the heavy persistence from Seulgi. Seungwan would say her demanding profession is a hurdle to their out-of-town plans.</p><p> </p><p>Joohyun believes otherwise.</p><p> </p><p>It’s been long overdue.</p><p> </p><p>“Eyes on the road, Wan.” Joohyun warns, spotting the blonde steal glances from the rearview mirror to check on Seohyun for the umpteenth time in thirty minutes. She rolls her eyes. Seungwan has always been protective to a fault.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe that’s the very reason why she has been putting off the trip at a later date whenever the festival looms at a distance. The idea itself scares her. Seohyun hasn’t travelled past Seoul’s borders. Hasn’t been on a plane. Hasn’t been on a boat. Hasn’t been on a two-hour car ride.</p><p> </p><p>Until now.</p><p> </p><p>Thankfully, Sooyoung managed to persuade Seungwan into giving in this year. Into giving in to Joohyun’s wishes. The reward for the blonde was to be the receiving end of a barrage of nose kisses the night she booked their ferry tickets to Jeju. Joohyun couldn’t stop laughing at how she kept sneezing.</p><p> </p><p>Seungwan sighs on her seat, glancing yet again at a dozing Seohyun who is sucking on her thumb out of habit. Manen is hanging dangerously from the absence of her other tiny grip. Seungwan returns to the road, a hint of tension in her features.</p><p> </p><p>Joohyun would have held her hand, but the mere grazing of her skin would increase the blonde’s jitters. She hopes her words could reach into Seungwan’s thick skull. “She’s fine.”</p><p> </p><p>Seungwan nods. “She’s fine.” She unclenches her fingers around the steering wheel, loosening them into a gentle hold. “Yeah, she’s fine.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Seungwan is very hands-on with their daughter.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, sleepyhead. We’re here.” She unbuckles the straps of Seohyun’s seatbelt then carries her down to the field’s grassy patch, all the while their bag and picnic basket are held in one hand. That’s unsurprising. Seungwan rarely asks for assistance, mostly insisting to handle things by herself, and it would annoy Joohyun more often than not.</p><p> </p><p>Especially with their daughter.</p><p> </p><p>“Walk closely, Seohyun.” Joohyun reminds the distracted toddler, pointing at the gigantic contraptions being readied to be sent into the sky, as Seungwan hauls their belongings towards an empty picnic table.</p><p> </p><p>Several children are chasing each other in a game of tag, but Seohyun is beyond sidetracked by the preparations to socialize with other kids as she normally does at the local playground. She stays in their radius, mouth agape at the colorful designs of the numerous hot air balloons.</p><p> </p><p>“Balloons!”</p><p> </p><p>“Hot air balloons, baby.” Joohyun instinctively corrects. Her daughter definitely shares the excitement she had when she came here for the first time with Seungwan and their friends.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, they’re hot air balloons.” Seungwan is taking out their sandwiches from the basket, laying them onto the table.</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun climbs up the bench of their picnic table, swatting Seungwan’s assisting hand away, proving her independence by successfully sitting upright, toothy grin intact.</p><p> </p><p>What a cheeky child they have.</p><p> </p><p>“God, you have Hyun’s smile.”</p><p> </p><p>Seungwan is taken aback from her admission, probably meant to be an internal remark, have the comment locked inside her head. She bends across the table, hands Seohyun her sandwich and fixes the askew bangs shielding her forehead.</p><p> </p><p>Joohyun laughs it off, sitting beside Seohyun as usual. “Of course, she does.” There’s an immense pride in her assertion. No denying that Seohyun is her little girl.</p><p> </p><p>Breadcrumbs and strawberry jelly litter around Seohyun’s mouth, giggling happily when the blonde tells her to lick it off. She does as she is told.</p><p> </p><p>“But little Hyun’s smile is better.” Seungwan pinches Seohyun’s cheeks to demonstrate.</p><p> </p><p>“And it is.” Joohyun doesn’t miss a beat.</p><p> </p><p>Why should she disagree?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>At exactly two in the afternoon, the hot air balloons are released into the sky. The attendees cheer at their ascent, snapping photographs and recording videos to immortalize the event into their handheld devices. Seungwan is the <em>live in the moment </em>type of person so she pockets her phone, focusing her attention onto the balloons and their squealing daughter in her arms.</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun will have these moments to live by.</p><p> </p><p>Joohyun doesn’t realize how a recurring presence could be missed, deprived from the festivities for four years in a row. During the times she has missed it, she would simply look forward to the next year. But what if there won’t be a next year? What if there aren’t any chances of it ever coming back? What do you when it’s gone forever?</p><p> </p><p>She peers at Seungwan, solemn eyes straying to a family of three, two dads lifting a little boy into the air, the cherubic brunette quite younger than Seohyun. Joohyun can decipher the guilt riddled on her face, the guilt written in her troubled eyes for missing out on quality time with her daughter. For postponing this experience the year before.</p><p> </p><p>Seungwan is doing her best, but Seungwan herself can’t see that.</p><p> </p><p>The blonde is jarred from her spacing out.</p><p> </p><p>“What was that for, baby?” Seungwan is surprised by the kiss on her nose, courtesy of Seohyun’s pink puckered lips.</p><p> </p><p>“Good job, Mommy.”</p><p> </p><p>Seungwan’s face softens at the praise, her self-quandary dissolving from her headspace. How can a four year-old be so perceptive? “Did I really do a good job?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m doing a good job?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, Mommy.”</p><p> </p><p>Joohyun assures her. “You’re doing more than a good job, Wan.”</p><p> </p><p>Seungwan isn’t one hundred percent assured. The guilt doesn’t dwindle, sticking to her like magnets to metal. “I’m sorry if Mommy has to be away a lot because of work. I’m doing everything I can. You have to know I’ll always be here for you.” Her voice becomes stilted. She kisses their daughter’s cheek, closing her eyes to let the tears welling up disappear. “I love you, Seohyun.”</p><p> </p><p>“I love you too, Mommy.” Seohyun replies truthfully, mumbling it into the side of Seungwan’s head. She combs through the streaks of blonde, copying the soothing repetitive motion Seungwan does whenever the little girl cries for her, and eyes Joohyun who is a foot apart from them.</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun titters jovially at her.</p><p> </p><p>“And pretty Mommy Joohyun.”</p><p> </p><p>Seungwan then pulls back midway, meeting Seohyun’s innocent stare. “What?”</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun’s eyes are still on Joohyun. “I love pretty Mommy Joohyun.”</p><p> </p><p>Joohyun stifles an astounded gasp.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Seohyun can see me?</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Seungwan sets Seohyun standing atop of the bench, afraid her shaking muscles would give out. Her hands are trembling, but she’s attempting to retain a calm composure in front of their daughter, regulating her beating heart. It’s become her unwritten rule, concealing the sensitive topic of Joohyun to Seohyun.</p><p> </p><p>Because Seohyun will be confused.</p><p> </p><p>Because Seohyun is too young to understand.</p><p> </p><p>“How did you…” Joohyun knows Seungwan is racking her brain for some answers, sifting through the possibilities that Seulgi, Sooyoung or Yerim may have slipped Joohyun’s name somewhere in their conversations with Seohyun listening.</p><p> </p><p>But Joohyun is aware their friends have nothing to do with it.</p><p> </p><p>This is Joohyun’s own doing.</p><p> </p><p>For years, Joohyun has latched onto Seohyun, unable to cross over, witnessing the milestones her daughter has surpassed without really celebrating those achievements with her. And so she has loitered, natural for a mother such as herself who wasn’t given a droplet of a second to <em>feel </em>her daughter’s living breath, to <em>feel </em>her cries, to <em>feel </em>her laughter. No hugs. No kisses. No touches. Just a wash of cold air.</p><p> </p><p>She unwillingly became an audience to her daughter’s life.</p><p> </p><p>And to her Seungwan.</p><p> </p><p>Her Seungwan who hadn’t slept a wink at the hospital. Her Seungwan who had barely eaten, who had wept inconsolably, who had zoned out at an infant Seohyun not knowing what to do. Her Seungwan who had to rebuild her life from the one she had lost to the one she had gained, braving through the memories of Joohyun from the places they visit, to the songs they used to sing, and to every <em>“Hyun” </em>that worms into her mouth at Seohyun’s likeness.</p><p> </p><p>Seungwan’s heart breaks the more she sees the undeniable resemblance.</p><p> </p><p>The more she sees Joohyun in Seohyun.</p><p> </p><p>The more she <em>yearns </em>for Joohyun.</p><p> </p><p>Their story wasn’t supposed to have an unhappy ending.</p><p> </p><p>Joohyun didn’t mean to leave them so soon.</p><p> </p><p>“Mommy Wannie..?” Seohyun drawls uncertainly.</p><p> </p><p>Seungwan embraces their daughter, stammering uncontrollably onto the crown of her head. “I’m so sorry, Hyun. I’m so sorry. I’m <em>so so so </em>sorry.” With the thread of her composure stretched to its limits, the dam defending the outbreak of tears in Seungwan’s eyes crumbles into a pile of rubble. It smashes, flushing out the emotions she has concealed behind the barrier in her chest, choking out the sobs. “I thought—I thought I was protecting you…I was wrong. I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry…Hyunnie.”</p><p> </p><p>“Seungwan…” Joohyun hates seeing her so broken, so helpless. She’s inclined to go near her, inclined to take the pain in a single kiss, in a single whisper on her skin, in a single embrace that only lasts for minutes but feels like a lifetime has passed them by.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I’m sorry, Wan.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>I’m sorry too.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Joohyun has never blamed Seungwan for refusing to introduce her existence to Seohyun. It would torture Joohyun in the afterlife, beholding her daughter in confusion, calling out to someone who can’t tend to her needs, be the parent that she needs. It’s the only thing restraining Joohyun from moving forward, chained by the desire to have a five-letter word associated to her name.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Mommy.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Mommy Joohyun.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>But maybe, just maybe, Seohyun is ready to hear stories about her now.</p><p> </p><p>If Seungwan allows it.</p><p> </p><p>Seungwan pulls away, cupping their daughter’s cheeks, her thumb moving in a comforting caress. Her eyes are bloodshot, face flushed but resigned. She’s ready to be the storyteller of Joohyun’s life too. “You deserve to know about her.”</p><p> </p><p>A light materializes before Joohyun.</p><p> </p><p>It’s warm. It’s inviting. It smells of lavender.</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun kisses Seungwan on the nose.</p><p> </p><p>Joohyun can tell where she’s gotten it from.</p><p> </p><p>And so does Seungwan. “Your Mommy Joohyun loved giving me kisses on the nose just like you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Really?”</p><p> </p><p>“Mhmm.” Seungwan sniffs. Seohyun is there to wipe a tear that trickles to her cheek, so caring. So thoughtful. So <em>Seungwan </em>in her own little way. “And you know what else?”</p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p>Seungwan pecks her on the nose. “She loves you very <em>very </em>much too.”</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun centers her gaze on Joohyun’s fading figure, grinning knowingly at the secret bond she has been silently sharing with her mommy for years, muttering a gratifying, “I know.”</p><p> </p><p>“I love you, baby. I love you and your Mommy Wannie. I love you, I love you, <em>I love you</em>.” Joohyun’s declaration is shaky but understandable.</p><p> </p><p>“I know, Mommy.” Seohyun repeats with a chuckle, Seungwan smiling and unaware of where her reply is directed.</p><p> </p><p>The acknowledgement is enough for Joohyun to be drawn into the light, feeling fuller than she had ever been when she lived. Four years of tailing her daughter, watching from the sidelines, Seohyun has acknowledged her for who she is. She called her <em>Mommy.</em></p><p> </p><p>There’s peace in her soul.</p><p> </p><p>“We’ll be okay, Hyun,” Seungwan says into the cool spring air, knowing deep in her heart that Joohyun will be able to hear her.</p><p> </p><p>And she does hear her.</p><p> </p><p>Before going into the light, Joohyun takes a final glimpse at her two favorite people in the world, content with leaving Seungwan a tiny ray of sunshine to remember her by.</p><p> </p><p>“You’ll be okay, Wan.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. i need your loving hands to come and pick me up</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i desperately tried to move on from this particular au, but it seems the good ol' angst-fever has only gotten higher for me. i'm gonna go on right ahead in apologizing if this next part will trigger more waterworks.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p>“Seungwan, please reconsider, your work’s stressing you out.”</p><p> </p><p>“We can go anywhere else. Everland. Lotte World. Just <em>not </em>Jeju.”</p><p> </p><p>“You can’t forget about what unnie said—”</p><p> </p><p>“I remember <em>everything </em>she’s said, Seul, don’t you dare say I’ve forgotten because, I swear to God, I haven’t forgotten the tiniest detail.”</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun stirs in her bed.</p><p> </p><p>She has been sleeping soundly under the covers of her velvety blanket, her new plushie, Manen, snug around her short limbs when she hears her mommy having one of her “big people talk”—talks her pre-schooler brain isn’t able to comprehend—with someone she thinks is her Auntie Seulgi. Grown ups don’t have bedtimes like she does so her mommy gets to have other grown ups over even after eight.</p><p> </p><p>But her Auntie Seulgi hasn’t visited her in a while, and her mommy has taught her it is always polite to greet their visitors, but she can’t be too sure on what to do if she had been tucked into bed. Would her mommy be mad at her? She doesn’t want her mommy to be mad, not upon hearing the upsetting tone she’s using on her Auntie Seulgi.</p><p> </p><p>Is Auntie Seulgi in trouble?</p><p> </p><p>“I didn’t mean it like that, Wan…I know you would never forget.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay. Sorry for blowing up on you. It’s still too soon. She’s only three, Seul, she’ll be overwhelmed.”</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t have to explain to her straightaway. You could just take her to see the hot air balloons and do the talking another time when you’re ready.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Balloons?</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Seohyun’s drowsiness dissipates at the mention of balloons. Are her mommy and Auntie Seulgi arguing about the type and color of balloon they’re buying for her? She had lots of balloons from her third birthday party last month, but they’ve popped and gone to balloon heaven. It’s what her Auntie Yerim told her.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s the thing, Seul. I’m not ready. Whether it’s to explain to her or to bring her to Jeju, I’m not ready.”</p><p> </p><p>“Alright. Lotte World it is then.”</p><p> </p><p>A groan attracts Seohyun’s active ears, the sound not coming from her mommy or Auntie Seulgi. The source of the telltale noise of complaint comes from one of the corners of her room, and Seohyun squeezes Manen in her arms. She turns her head cautiously to the side where her toys are, which is also where a pretty lady in a purple sweater sits cross-legged on the floor, pouting.</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun hasn’t met her before. Is she a friend of her mommy’s?</p><p> </p><p>Why is she in her room?</p><p> </p><p>“If you’re not taking her to the festival this year, at least choose Everland!” The pretty lady whines. “Seohyun’s first theme park should be at the greatest!”</p><p> </p><p>Oh, are they going to a theme park?</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun smiles against Manen’s big head, his super-duper large head that’s twice the size of Seohyun’s own head. Her classmates have shown her pictures of their trip to the theme park, a place she hasn’t gone to yet since her mommy is so busy treating people’s boo-boos at work. But maybe her mommy has fixed all the boo-boos in Seoul that there are no more people at the hospital.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe she and Seohyun can finally play together.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll haunt you forever if you’re choosing to go to Lotte World, Son Seungwan.”</p><p> </p><p> She must be her mommy’s friend. How else would she know her name?</p><p> </p><p>The pretty lady’s pout deepens further, like a big letter U upside-down below her nose.</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun finds the face she’s making funny, the same face she makes to her mommy whenever she has to eat those yucky vegetables. Auntie Sooyoung showed her how her pouty face looks like through a selfie. Seohyun thought it was funny, and seeing this pretty lady reenact it has got her a severe case of the giggles.</p><p> </p><p>The laughter she elicits captures the pretty lady, and Seohyun closes her eyes real fast, pretends to go to sleep before the pretty lady could tell her mommy that she hasn’t been following her bedtime. Her mommy could change her mind about the theme park. Seohyun wouldn’t want that to happen.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know what’s so funny about Manen, but you gotta go back to sleep, baby.” The pretty lady says, her voice clearer and closer than it did moments ago. It sounds prettier too. “The hot air balloons will have to wait.”</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun doesn’t get why she’s speaking about balloons all of a sudden. Wasn’t she whining about theme parks? Silly pretty lady. As the pretty lady drones on about complex terms Seohyun’s toddler mind cannot grasp, she’s lulled back into her dreamland by the calming ramblings, feeling a faint cold air brush against her nose.</p><p> </p><p>It tickles.</p><p> </p><p>She peeks at it, finding the pretty lady’s lips pressed on her nose.</p><p> </p><p>“Sweet dreams, Seohyun.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The pretty lady has been at their apartment in the recent weeks. She’s always talking to herself, saying stuff about her mommy but not really talking <em>to </em>her mommy. She certainly is a weird lady. She talks to Seohyun too, doing pretty much what she does to her mommy, so Seohyun doesn’t say anything to her because if she does, the pretty lady might stop talking and Seohyun likes listening to her talk.</p><p> </p><p>It doesn’t seem like she’s waiting for anyone to answer her anyway.</p><p> </p><p>Her mommy doesn’t mention about the pretty lady either.</p><p> </p><p>“Why did you color the walls, Seohyun?” The pretty lady asks, her body splayed beside Manen who is on his plastic chair opposite of the three year-old. She wasn’t there to see the creation of Seohyun’s artwork while her mommy did more work on her computer. Seohyun was bored and wanted to play. Did she go home?</p><p> </p><p>Where does this pretty lady live?</p><p> </p><p>“Didn’t Mommy Wannie tell you not to draw on the walls?”</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun doesn’t reply, fixated on the task at hand. There are only two cups with her in the living room, the others buried in the toy chest in her bedroom. Her mommy is doing a thorough cleaning inside, after lecturing Seohyun for shading the walls with purple marker. She told her mommy she was painting it in her favorite color, learning to love purple, and she saw how her mommy’s face became a mixture of mad and sad.</p><p> </p><p>Her mommy said purple doesn’t have to be her favorite color.</p><p> </p><p>That plenty colors are available for her to love.</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun loves purple, like the color of the pretty lady’s coat, and her mommy can’t change that. She stomped her foot and threw the marker at her door. Her mommy wasn’t pleased with her lashing out. She has been instructed to behave in the living room to reflect on her actions.</p><p> </p><p>She would rather have a tea party. Her nose tends to tingle, very annoyingly scratchy if she’s near her bedroom while her mommy does the cleaning. She can’t retrieve her other cups.</p><p> </p><p>Her two cups will have to do.</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun can’t be rude to her guests so she offers her cup to the pretty lady, placing the pink cup next to Manen’s blue cup.</p><p> </p><p>“Ooh, two cups of tea for Manen? He and I would get along.” The pretty lady rises to the balls of her feet, stretching her arms and legs repeatedly.</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun is frustrated. She sacrificed her cup for this pretty lady, and she hasn’t accepted her offer. Why doesn’t anyone want to play with her? Doesn’t anyone love her anymore?</p><p> </p><p>“Seohyun, baby, why are you crying?” The pretty lady is down on all fours, getting as frustrated as Seohyun. It’s like she is on the verge of a breakdown, her obsidian eyes glassy, hands unsure what to do with themselves, like she’s tormented by doing something she’s been craving to do but can’t.</p><p> </p><p>“Is it because your mommy sent you on a time-out? She’s mad at what you did, baby. Not at you. You were specifically told not to draw on the walls, yet you disobeyed her. You wouldn’t be on a time-out if you played nicely.”</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun tilts her head downwards, fumbling with the bow on the neckline of her dress. The pretty lady is right. She feels ashamed for disobeying her mommy’s orders, but she wanted to play with her mommy, that’s all. They haven’t done so in the past week, her mommy preoccupied with typing in her office, and Seohyun’s anger doesn’t subside at the recollection.</p><p> </p><p>“Mom—mommy always…wo—work.” Seohyun couldn’t control her heaving, botching her speech into choppy words. Her dress is wet with her tears. “Just—just wanna…play.”</p><p> </p><p>At least the pretty lady is here for her on her lonely days.</p><p> </p><p>She likes the pretty lady.</p><p> </p><p>“Up!” Seohyun raises her arms for her.</p><p> </p><p>But the pretty lady has walked out of the living room, mumbling incomprehensibly about her mommy and vanishing to the hallway. Her mommy steps into the room with a succession of sneezes. She sees Seohyun’s outstretched arms and walks towards her to lift her up, but Seohyun shakes her head vehemently, avoiding her mommy’s spread-out hands. She’s still angry.</p><p> </p><p>Where did the pretty lady go?</p><p> </p><p>“Come here, Seohyun, let’s talk about what you did.”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t want you!” Seohyun screams, squirming away. “You don’t play with me anymore. Go to work!”</p><p> </p><p>Her mommy is shocked by the outburst, tears beginning to trickle at the sides of her eyes. She doesn’t cry, almost never does. Seohyun can’t recall of ever seeing her mommy cry. However, today could be different.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t…I…” Her mommy’s shoulder sags, defeated, the first sign of a teardrop unexpected.</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun feels horrible. She has caused her mommy to cry. She may be angry, but it wasn’t in her intention to make her mommy cry. Still crying herself, she runs to her mommy to apologize. “Mommy, don’t cry, I’m sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, no, baby, I’m sorry.” Her mommy envelopes her in a hug, covering her sobs at the back of Seohyun’s head. “I’m sorry that you’ve been feeling neglected. I promise not to drown myself in so much work. We’ll go to Everland tomorrow, how’s that sound?”</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun gasps amidst her whimpers. “No boo-boos at the hospital?”</p><p> </p><p>“No boo-boos for tomorrow. Just you and me and all the fun rides in Everland for you to enjoy.”</p><p> </p><p>At the kitchen, Seohyun sees the pretty lady smile in victory. “You’re always no match for me, the irresistible Bae Joohyun, Seungwan.”</p><p> </p><p>Oh.</p><p> </p><p>The pretty lady’s name is <em>Bae Joohyun</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Bae Seohyun and Bae Joohyun<em>.</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>Their names are alike.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sometimes, pretty lady Bae Joohyun goes everywhere Seohyun goes. She’s there when they go to Everland, when they go to the park, when she goes to her pre-school and when she goes to the hospital for her monthly check-ups. It’s been nearly a year since she has been tagging along with Seohyun and her mommy. Mostly, she’s here at their apartment.</p><p> </p><p>On the nights her mommy has to go for an emergency, her aunties are there to accompany her. The pretty lady would have sufficed as her adult supervision, but with added people in their apartment, the place becomes livelier.</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun is nestled between her Auntie Yerim and Auntie Sooyoung on the couch, tuning in to a Spongebob rerun, while her Auntie Seulgi cooks them dinner. She tinkers with the delicate braids of her Auntie Sooyoung’s long jet-black hair, marveling at the crisscross outlines.</p><p> </p><p>Her Auntie Sooyoung turns to her. “Aren’t I the prettiest, Seohyun?”</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun glances to the corridor where the pretty lady is eyeing the photographs framed on the wall. Her Auntie Sooyoung <em>is </em>a pretty woman, but the pretty lady has to be the prettiest she has ever seen. She giggles to herself, nibbles on her widening lower lip and shakes her head.</p><p> </p><p>“Nooo.”</p><p> </p><p>Her Auntie Yerim guffaws beside her, reaching over her to poke her Auntie Sooyoung on the rib. “Ha! Kid says you’re ugly!”</p><p> </p><p>“She didn’t say I’m ugly, twerp. She said I’m not the prettiest.” Her Auntie Sooyoung is frowning at her. “If I’m not the prettiest, then who is?”</p><p> </p><p>The pretty lady has entered her bedroom, and Seohyun would’ve pointed at her had she not left, so she tells her aunties.</p><p> </p><p>“Bae Joohyun.”</p><p> </p><p>The grown ups start to freak out.</p><p> </p><p>“Holy—”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh my God.”</p><p> </p><p>“Seohyun.” Her Auntie Seulgi trots from the kitchen and into the living room. She’s freaking out too. “Whose name did you say?”</p><p> </p><p>“Bae Joohyun.”</p><p> </p><p>“Did…did you hear that from your Mommy Wannie?”</p><p> </p><p>“Nooo.”</p><p> </p><p>“Do you…know who she is?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes.”</p><p> </p><p>Her Auntie Seulgi gulps as her Auntie Sooyoung and Auntie Yerim regard her with intrigue. “Who is she, Seohyun?”</p><p> </p><p>“A pretty lady.”</p><p> </p><p>Why are the grown ups freaking out exactly?</p><p> </p><p>“Which one of you told her?”</p><p> </p><p>“Unnie, we wouldn’t do something behind Seungwan-unnie’s back.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, she must’ve overheard it from unnie’s acquaintance.”</p><p> </p><p>Her aunties go somewhere semi-secluded, speaking over the other in their big people talk. Seohyun doesn’t grapple the contents of their conversation and watches the ongoing episode of Spongebob by herself, blissfully oblivious to the effect of the name she had drawn out. She thinks the pretty lady’s name shouldn’t be said aloud, so she doesn’t bring it up again.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Seohyun’s fourth birthday was the most fun she’s had. Her Mommy Wannie surprised her at her pre-school, throwing an intimate party with her teachers and classmates, delivering a Spongebob-themed goodie bags for the kids. The pretty lady is there as well, hovering behind her mommy, observing the celebration by the adults.</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun receives her second surprise later in the evening when her mommy breaks the news to her that they will be going for a weekend trip to Jeju Island. They are travelling to Mokpo by plane, disembarking to catch the ferry ride going to the famous island. It’s going to be a many of Seohyun’s firsts, her first plane ride, her first boat ride, her first out-of-Seoul road trip.</p><p> </p><p>She could barely contain herself on Friday night.</p><p> </p><p>“Isn’t it exciting, Seohyun? You’re going to go to Jeju!” The pretty lady exclaims by her dresser. She must be going with them too. “Ahh, the Hot Air Balloon festival awaits!”</p><p> </p><p>The nightlight on Seohyun’s bedside table emits an array of purple light with white little stars to the surfaces around her room. Seohyun yawns onto Manen’s belly, nuzzling herself on his soft material.</p><p> </p><p>“You’ll be seeing the hot air balloons, baby.” The pretty lady sits on the side of her bed, stroking her face. It’s a bit chilly. She does this every night before Seohyun sleeps, tucking her in and rambling about anything until the four year-old succumbs into slumber. “After that, maybe you could…mention me?”</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun yawns again.</p><p> </p><p>“You think you could say that someday?” The pretty lady whispers, puffs of cold pelting her nose. “Say Mommy Joohyun?”</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun’s eyes are anchored with exhaustion, the weight heavy on her lids. The pretty lady chuckles. “Good night, baby. I love you.” She provides her with kisses on the nose, disappearing from her bedroom at the end of her nightly ritual.</p><p> </p><p>Seohyun musters the remains of her consciousness, gaping at the glowing shades of purple and white, before her mind wanders into dreamland, greeted by a pretty lady’s enchanting face, sweet voice and a presence bathed in security and warmth.</p><p> </p><p>Her lips quirk at its edges before slipping away.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you…Mommy Joohyun.”</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i'm a sucker for angst as you can see.</p><p>thank you all for reading.</p><p>if you haven't yet, check out my ongoing wenrene fic "i'm different" :)</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>the inspiration for this story came from the drama hi, bye, mama, and i may have teared up a bit while writing this. why i do this to myself? irdk. it was supposed to be a practice piece of 1k words in preparation for the angst in my multi-chaptered fic, but theeen, i got so into the music that was playing and you've read how it came about.</p><p>i would have disclosed the song used for this chapter at the beginning (which is "tonight" by fm static), but i thought it would give away joohyun's fate due to the theme of the song, then again, the title itself is a huge takeaway unless you're unfamiliar with it. to add some mood (and more angst) into the story, you could have the song play in the background while reading, as i did while writing</p><p> </p><p>as always, thank you for reading xx</p></blockquote></div></div>
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